21st CENTURY SCHOOL
Demanding Respect and Openness in a Relationship
Girl-on-Girlophobe
Is this installment of The 4-Way, the panel advises a
woman whose boyfriend seems weirded out by her confession that
she enjoys watching same-sex porn. See what they had to
say.
I recently confessed to my boyfriend that I get turned on watching girl-on-girl porn. I’m not interested in women for dating or for hooking up I just think it’s sexy to see other women in action since the only woman I’ve ever “seen” in action is me. My boyfriend doesn’t believe me, though, and now every time I go out with any female friends, he gets really uncomfortable, as if he thinks I’m going to hook up with one of them. I’ve asked if it bothers him a few times, to try and get him talking, but he just laughs it off and says it isn’t a big deal, that he “loves” that I enjoy watching other women. But things just don’t feel right; I can’t get him to talk about it, I feel like he doesn’t trust me, and lately it sort of feels like he thinks I’m a pervert (based on a few snide comments he’s made). I’ve told him all this, but he consistently says it’s not a big deal. I’m not sure where to go from here. Any thoughts? —DD, Portland, Oregon
The Straight Man’s Perspective: Chris Kennedy
Go nowhere from here. As Snoop Dogg says, “Drop it like it’s hot” … as hot as girl-on-girl action. You know what I’m talkin’ about.
Stop trying to make your boyfriend talk about your confession. Apparently, you’re not completely comfortable with your admission and are looking for some sort of magical reaction from him that will make you feel perfect about it all. Leave it alone. What do you want him to say here? The more you push him to talk, the more you push him away. Back off, and perhaps then he will offer up more thoughts when and if he has something more to say.
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As for his lukewarm reaction: women, you must understand that men like to feel like kings. It’s in our DNA; we want to be your hero, your provider, your protector. Does your fantasy involve or allow anything regal from him? Nope. There’s no opportunity here for him to be any of the above roles guys like to fulfill. He’s not a girl, so he can’t go girl-on-girl with you. See what I mean? He’s not upset with you, it’s just that there’s not much he can do or offer here.
I’ll end with another Snoop Dogg quote: “Britney would make a better prostitute than Christina. She’s thicker.” That has nothing to do with your question; I just thought that might turn you on.
The Gay Man’s Perspective: Darren Maddox
I get turned on watching guy-on-guy porn, but that’s another story. Look, you just need to call him out on what he’s thinking, DD. Sit him down, tell him you’d like to be with him—or another man if you weren’t together—but not with another woman. Let him know that he currently fits the bill, but if he can’t get over what appears to be an obvious obstacle in his thinking, then you’ll need to move on. Make sure he knows that you only confided in him because you trusted him. If he can’t understand that, then you clearly aren’t as close as you thought.
Another school of thought may posit that you have lesbian tendencies. I disagree. It sounds like you’re open to learning new techniques you could try and that you appreciate the beauty of women. That doesn’t mean you’re ready to find a filly instead of a fella and live happily ever after. But here’s a question for you: when you fantasize, is it about a man or a woman? If you find yourself thinking more about women than men, you may want to explore your hidden desires.
The Straight Woman’s Perspective: Rebecca Brown
Is your boyfriend by chance some sort of conservative minister? Does he speak in tongues after you guys make out? Or maybe he’s Rush Limbaugh? Seriously … WTF?
I’m certainly no expert on this, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that just because you enjoy watching two women get it on does not necessarily mean you’re a lesbian. And even if it did mean that, his trepidation about your hooking up with other women simply because you’re around them is archaic and just plain stupid. That’s like saying that anytime I’m around any straight man, I’m going to want to hook up with him. It makes no sense.
Sorry to say this about your BF, DD, but I smell a homophobe. And it’s kind of stinky … and in beautiful, progressive Portland, no less. Unless he stops acting like a human diagram right off page one of the Passive-Aggressive Handbook and actually has a conversation with you about why he feels weird, I don’t know where to tell you to go on this one except Splitsville. If he continues to avoid talking, kick him to the curb and enjoy your girl-on-girl with someone who’ll at least have a conversation about it with you … and hopefully watch it with you, too.
The Lesbian Woman’s Perspective: Jody Fischer
Your guy is homophobic. He’s also insecure. Where to go from here? Out the door and into places where you can meet men who will accept and appreciate you for who you are. You were vulnerable and told him what turns you on. You didn’t say that he didn’t turn you on, but somehow, that’s what he heard. Now he’s making you out to be the odd duck so he doesn’t have to look at his own faults. You could try to convince him that you’re not sneaking off with someone else, but experience has shown me that you can’t change a suspicious mind. And in his case, why would you even want to?
I’m also curious, if you were turned on by hetero porn, would he be jealous and suspicious that you would make out with guys? Why is he so threatened by other women? If you really, truly care for this guy, I would ask him if any of his past girlfriends left him for another woman. Maybe that’s what has got his negative girl-on-girl meter set so high. He’s making snide remarks and not being honest with you or with himself about what he’s feeling. And he’s not willing to talk about it, except in passing rude comments. Doesn’t sound like a match made in heaven to me.
I know plenty of guys who would be happy to explore your porn-watching fantasies with you and still feel fine when you went out on the town with your girlfriends. Go out there and find a man who loves what you do and who you are.